DIY SOS
Eleven years we’ve been doing DIY SOS – eleven years which started with me arriving on location in Market Harborough and looking across at a bunch of builders standing by a burger van and wondered ‘who the hell are that lot’ and ‘hope there’s some security around to keep them off the site’ Just at that moment Chris was saying ‘so who is the poncey bloke with the big hair?’ ‘Flnnckk klwwoumls’ replied Julian who was fllling his face with a slimmer’s breakfast of egg, bacon, sausage, mushrooms in a bun with exrtra egg, bacon, sausage and mushrooms’
‘who?’ asked Billy. ‘Nick Knowles’ managed a still famished Jules.
‘Never heard of him’ said Chris and rolled up a fag.
Meanwhile I was chatting to the director Rupert who was telling me that the group that looked like extras from Oh Brother Where Art Thou were in fact the building team who had only agreed to turn up for free beer and three square meals a day (although Julian’s had gone a little off square as it had been stuffed and so was slightly out of shape (unlike him. He’s an athlete. And he is now looking over my shoulder))
‘Are you taking the piss’ I was saying to Rupert. ‘what chance have we got of making a show that will last five minutes with that bunch of misfits’
‘None’ said Rupert ‘but we’ve only got six episodes so we might as well have a laugh’
I wandered over to say hello.
Julian was still trying to enlighten the others ‘I seen ‘im on some weird thing called Absolutely Loaded where he was drunk most of the time but he was quite funny’
‘still never heard of him’ said Chris, then as I was walking up ‘Alright mate, what’s on then?’
Some way through my ‘let’s all pull together and do it my way’ speech I realised they’d wandered off.
It wasn’t till we got to the bar that night that we bonded and I realised I was in the presence of West Country building Gods (he’s still looking over my shoulder) – and Billy.
Billy had spent the previous twenty years of his life as a lighting spark working on television programmes and films. Previous to that he had worked in the corporate world on Industrial electrics so as a result he had very little experience of domestic electrics – which would explain the last eleven years! We had acquired him by asking the lighting electricians department if they had a chatty spark they could spare for our show. We were a little surprised when they had replied ‘for God’s sake please take Billy’.
The irrepressible human Jack Russel Mark Miller joined us along the way as did our wonderfully eccentric and glamorous designer Julia (guess who’s looking over my shoulder now!)
It’s funny looking back over it. But can I take this opportunity to appologise to all the night porters, bar staff and anyone who’s been kissed by Billy over the years – they are harmless really, just like your friends dog who the owner says is harmless right before it leaps up, bites your hand and humps your leg. But it has been and continues to be the greatest fun and we truly are friends for life.
Things have been a tough for Billy over recent series - we've really extended him. Julian and Chris built a rack and after two hours on it one Thursday afternoon he's four inches taller. All kinds of weird lighting designs in the new series and it's been up to Billy to sort them out - poor sod! He's been abused, told he's useless, sacked, reinstated and finally in one show blown up but he landed three days later and seems indestructible. We love him lots and he's on great form this series as is Chris, who is still off the Stella - and red wine - and JD - and other stuff that makes his eyes go boggly. Actually the discovery that Chris is a very talented ice skater while we were filming in Nottingham is well worth seeing. I also discovered whilst in Borneo that Chris has the same body to arm length ratio as an Orangutan. I told him on my return and he is now employing fourteen orange apes as plasterers in the west country. (to be fair the only way you can the difference is that the apes have better table manners and don't sing in the loo - and they smell better) Julian has taken on more responsibility and has grown into the roll but he's on a diet again so we should see him waste away to eighteen stone ish - maybe - eventually. His appearance in a red pair of Speedos caused quite a stir and there is even a myspace group dedicated to that very incident.
As for the show itself - the hours are longer than ever but we still love it and can't wait to see one another each time. By the end of each shoot we can't wait to get away from each other, but that's like all family get-togethers, don't you think?
Thanks very much for watching it and making it the most successful factual series on TV in this country - I can't think why a bunch of hairy-arsed West Country builders, an electrician who's more dangerous than Osama Bin Laden and a presenter who continues to tell people NOT to do DIY would make up a winning team but there it is.
I love 'em all but just don't tell them. And just for the record: I do not do DIY at home, I will not do your bathroom if you meet me in a pub and I don't work on Changing Rooms!
I'll try to answer some of the questions we're regularly asked about the show:
Do we ever use MDF?
Do you know we didn't use MDF for about eight years but just recently because of the soaring price of real wood we’ve had to. There’s no point in us making stuff that is beyond the reach of most people’s budgets but we’d always prefer to use wood if its possible
Do we really only get 3 days to do the transformations?
Yes! We arrive on a Monday at the new victim's house and meet everyone and reassure them that it's not that weird to have a TV crew and bunch of lunatic builders take over their home. We then do the work Tuesday to Thursday, on Friday morning we show the room off and all drive home. That means if the job has gone well we get Thursday night out in which ever town we're in to have a few drinks and make friends with the locals whether they like it or not! The reason people cry when they see the rooms isn't because of the beauty of it all - it's the fumes coming off the team on Friday mornings!
Do we have a huge off screen team of builders to help us out?
No, but occasionally if the jobs are really huge we might use a local plumber or tiler to help us along. We do have a Mat, Mat Skelton, researcher, organiser, assistant producer, tea maker and motivator, a top bloke who works his rear off and never gets the credit so big up your self Mat!‘ However on the new series we have had a bit of extra help for very good reason as you will see.
Does Billy really electrocute us sometimes?
Yes! I think the BBC health and safety bods think we are doing stunts but to be honest as we work sometimes from 8 am till 4 am in the morning it helps keep us awake. This has been a good series for me as I've only been electrocuted three times in eight programmes so things are looking up!
Do I muck in and do some work?
Yes, I do. In the beginning I did loads and no-one believed me so we started this on screen 'you only do work when the camera is on' gag. This has worked well for me because I get an extra hour in bed and can swan off for a massage every now and again. Plainly I'd love to work harder but I've got to keep the joke running for the benefit of the show.
Did I really hurt my back?
Yes. It's an old rugby injury from many years ago and if I don't go to the gym to strengthen it I can put it out. This has happened three times over the last four and a half years and to be honest I'm sick of it. I came into show biz for the money and the women - now I'm carrying plasterboard and lugging machine tools up and down stairs - I WANT A JACUZZI AND A DRESSING ROOM AND A JAR OF ONLY BLACK JELLY BABIES - hang on, I'm just gonna ring my agent with that idea.
Do the team really get on that well?
NO! We are like a family so we love each other and then hate each other - usually within the space of about 15 minutes. Telly is full of people pretending to get along - usually not very convincingly but we all just hit it off. We go to each others birthday parties, weddings, christenings etc. We're in and out of each other's houses nicking stuff all the time. I really think the chances of finding a group of people thrown together that's so close knit is so remote on TV we'll have to wait a long time to see it again.
Are the team always that funny?
Yes. From the moment we see each other to the moment we wave good riddance it's funny as hell. You just have to point a camera at it and then cut out all the filthy jokes, bad language, farting and work out how to make it look like a DIY programme instead of a builders soap.
Are we always out drinking?
I looked reasonably young when I started this programme and the evening entertainment has made me old before my time. The boys refuse to pass a bar even when we get back to the hotel at four in the morning. Thursday nights are epic when we have one, as anyone in the Derby nightclub who saw Billy podium-dancing will tell you. I have to resign from this programme soon for the sake of my liver!
How do I see the team?
...usually through blood shot eyes! But here's a little bit on each one:
Chris Frediani
Possibly the funniest man in the world. He does nothing at half speed and works like a lunatic. I always say he and I are most alike and he and Jules who are old school buddies make a fantastic double act. Tremendous plasterer and the most random on nights out dancing like a man with no bones in his body, though he has been known to ease up and look after me when I'm on one. He fills in presenting for me when I've been unavoidably detained by a motivation crisis - in fact he does that a lot. I've just realised he's after my job! Right, I'm not having that, I'm gonna ring my agent again! He and Julian came to Kenya with me for comic relief and we had an amazing time. However when the Red Nose Day party happened it all got a bit ugly and Julian almost threw up on Greg Dyke and we had to send out search parties for Chris. They still maintain it wasn't their fault!
Julian Perryman
Or love rocket F111 as we like to call him. A big man, he's been on a diet and wasted away to sixteen and a half stone. We once needed to knock down a wall so to save time we just got Julian to run through it! Bob said it was improper use of a builder. I saw someone drop a marble table on his head, actually it was Chris who was trying to dislodge some toothpaste off the top of a wall in the hotel bar - don't ask! Anyway - the table landed on his head with a hell of a thunk but he didn't even flinch. Not afraid of his feminine side 'cos he isn't aware he has one. He'll skip through the undergrowth or go naked and get covered in petals if a Director or I think it's funny. Every now and again he asks 'I won't look stupid doing this will I' and I reassure him deviously that he won't. He gets a huge amount of fan mail from women and men and makes me laugh till I cry at least once every day. He's a bloody good general builder too!
Billy Byrne
What can you say about Billy. He's accidentally funny at everything he does. He's the only man I know who shoots his cuffs even if he isn't wearing any! It's a miracle he and we are still alive but he does a great job every time. His little face lights up every time a light he's put in works - well it would wouldn't it. He's a lovely bloke who drones on endlessly about the good old days. He's Arthur Daly and Del boy brought to real life and I love him to bits. In actual fact he's a film sparks and has worked on loads of big dramas and films and knows all the stars and if you find him in a pub he hasn't been banned from and ask him he'll tell you all about it - for hours and hours and hours.
Julia
New designer on the show. She used to be on 60 minute makeover and is a fantastic designer with really new ideas and real vision. She gets on like a house on fire with everyone - is brave, ballsey and won't take any old back chat from any of us. A great sense of humour and not unpleasant on the eye (unlike the rest of us) she is a welcome addition and I'm sure you're gonna love her and her designs.
Brigid Calderhead
Just want to give Brigid a mention here. She was with us for eight series and she was the only one of the team to do the pilot with me way back. She is fantastically talented and had a wicked sense of humour. She held her own against all kinds of barracking from the boys and scared the living daylights out of us when she was angry. She is a true individual and she and I had many heart to hearts over the years. She is a friend I value very much and I think she's doing a great job with the other team. We love you Brigi xx
Mark Miller
A new member of the team so look out for him when the new series starts on Wednesday 8th November. An Irishman living in Bristol, a complete nutcase, super-fit mountain biker who immediately challenges my fitness levels by challenging me to a race - see the results in episode one. Lovely man, lovely family - sure you're all going to love him. Last seen leaving the episode in Manchester with the worst hangover in history: "This bunch of lunatics is going to be the death of me". Welcome to DIYSOS!
Alan & Andy
Quick thanks too to all the crews that work with us - a special mention must be made of Alan Duxbury and Andy Morten, Duncan Fairs and Robin Shaw who have shot more of these programmes than anyone else and they would care to remember. Alan and Andy have done survival programmes and reckon three days with the builders is more arduous! Thanks, boys, and remember they're available for wedding videos too!
Alan was involved in a terrible helicopter accident last year while filming on a Ray Mears programme. He has been fighting back to health and everyone on the team hopes he is back up and running - well hobbling maybe - soon. We love him heaps - not in a camp way - like a viking!
THE DIRECTORS
We have had many directors over the years and they all deserve a big up yourself but I'm gonna pick out a few current ones to say thankyou to
Dafyth Palfrey
Daf recently picked his face off a beer sodden bar towel and said ‘how the hell did you and I become mates cos I thought you were a right #### when I met you. Massively creative and mad as a hat full of frogs he has made some of my favourite shows, sometimes directing from the floor, literally. A mean guitarist, he wont even buy himself an acoustic, renditions of Karate Party and Drumming isnt Easy have brightened many a night in random hotels around the country. Part of the substantial Welsh contingent on the show he is one of a kind and massively talented.
John Millar
A former actor with Matinee Idol looks he has made only a few shows with us but those shows were crackers in almost every sense of the word. An instant hit with the team, which is a pretty good pointer as to the bloke being a decent type, he also made my film on Orangutans in Borneo. Now so sought after we can't get him on the show any more we wish him luck with his drama directing future
Also many thanks to the laconic and wonderful Eugene, The brilliant Imogen and the talented and lovely Carol White.
And all hail Helga Berry who made my day when she kicked Chris in the nuts when he inadvisably said one night ‘oh so you do martial arts do you – show us what you’ve got then’ before crumpling in a groaning heap.
Finally thanks for watching and voting and writing in. Believe it or not every email, letter and insult is read and processed and the question most asked 'How do we get on the programme?' is easily answered: Just write in! Most people don't because they believe the chances of being successful are so slim, but you'd be amazed how easy it is so give it a go!
For more information, visit http://www.bbc.co.uk/homes/diysos/
© Nick Knowles 2008